Grieving the loss of a loved one is challenging for anyone, but it can be especially difficult for children. Their emotional maturity and limited life experience make it hard for them to process the complex emotions that accompany grief. Whether they are mourning a beloved pet or a cherished family member, children require extra support to navigate their feelings.
Children often feel alone, misunderstood, and confused during these times. It can be equally hard for adults, who may be struggling with their own grief, to know how to comfort a child. Children’s Grief Awareness Day was created to highlight the critical impact that support can have on the life of a grieving child. In honor of this day, we offer the following tips to help a child process their grief.
Our guidance below was reviewed by Danielle Larkin, DNP (Doctor of Nurse Practice), and Assistant Clinical Professor at Auburn University. As a certified hospice and palliative pediatric nurse, Danielle understands the complexities of discussing death with children.
How To Talk to a Child About Death?
Talking about death is never easy, even though it is a natural part of life.
“Most adults tend to have difficulty when trying to communicate the concept of death to a child,” says Danielle. “Depending on their age or developmental stage, a child might be aware of death but not fully understand the concept. The notion of a loved one being ‘gone forever’ is intangible to most children. As adults, we may not be able to protect a child from the pain of loss, but we can help a child build healthy coping skills to deal with their emotions by making them feel safe and allowing them to express their feelings.”
Danielle emphasizes the importance of using direct language and avoiding vague terms or euphemisms that may confuse a child.
“It’s important to avoid terms such as, ‘passed away,’ ‘crossed over,’ or ‘went to sleep’ because it can be scary to a child and interfere with their ability to develop coping skills. Being honest, telling the truth about your emotions, and using more concrete words such as ‘death’ or ‘died’ will help aid in the grieving process.”
Being honest and direct is crucial to establishing trust.
“If you have an older child, they may understand the concept and permanence of death but still have questions,” Danielle adds. “As adults, we need to be able to answer those questions as openly and honestly as possible, and we must be okay with saying, ‘I don’t know.’ It’s important to gauge the maturity level of the child as well as how much information they can receive at one time.”
How Long Does Grief Last for a Child?
Grief is a personal journey that varies greatly among individuals. For many, it never completely goes away but becomes more manageable over time. This is also true for children, especially if they have lost a parent. Grief may ebb and flow throughout childhood and into adulthood, often resurfacing during holidays, birthdays, and significant life milestones like graduations and weddings.
How Do Children Grieve at Different Ages?
Children grieve differently depending on their age and cognitive development stage.
- Babies and Toddlers: They don’t understand what death is, but will experience feelings of abandonment and insecurity if a regular presence in their life stops showing up. They will also sense the grief of those around them, without understanding the reason.
- Preschool-Age Children: They may not grasp that death is permanent and might expect a person to come back to life the way they do in cartoons.
- School-Aged Children: While they may understand the concept of death, they might not imagine it happening to anyone they know. When it does happen, the shock can cause them to worry about other family members or create fear about their own mortality.
- Teenagers: Teens understand that death is inevitable. However, a teen’s fluctuating hormones and emotional changes can impact how they handle grief. For some, the need to show they’re independent and “not a child” may keep them from asking for support. Also, a need to fit in and appear “normal” can cause some teens to keep difficult feelings to themselves.
- Older Children: They may express their emotions in words or through asking questions, while for young children, their grief is usually shown through their behavior.
How Does Grief Affect a Child?
“Children grieve differently than adults,” notes Danielle. “Children can express sadness by crying one minute then engaging in playful activity the next—this is their way of not becoming overwhelmed trying to circumnavigate their emotions.”
Most children work through grief without any long-term issues. However, some may experience emotional problems that can persist throughout their life. Children who struggle with grief may have a hard time forming healthy relationships, have difficulty focusing, or act out in negative ways.
Ongoing issues could occur if a child doesn’t deal with feelings such as guilt or anger. For example, if a child survives a tragedy that killed a loved one or somehow believes they had something to do with the death (such as by thinking a mean thought), the feelings of guilt and shame can affect them throughout their life. Supporting a grieving child involves patience, understanding, and the willingness to engage in honest conversations.
Signs of Grief in Children
Children of all ages may have difficulty verbalizing their emotions. It’s important for adults to watch for signs that the child is having trouble handling grief. For young children who can’t yet express their feelings in words, it’s especially important to notice erratic behavior.
Some signs of grief in children include:
- Acting younger than they are — this could involve baby talk, bed-wetting, or infantile demands
- Inability to sleep or bad dreams
- Loss of appetite
- Loss of interest in normal activities and hobbies
- Withdrawal from friends or loved ones
- A decrease in academic performance
- Fear of being alone
- Increased irritability or tantrums
- Blaming themselves/negative self-talk
- Anxiety about the health/safety of loved ones
- Pretending they are talking to/can see the deceased long after the death
“Signs that your child is not able to cope with grief may indicate a distressing adjustment disorder,” says Danielle. “Children with an adjustment disorder exhibit a long-term—six months or more—reaction to a loss. A child may have behavioral problems and exhibit signs of anxiety and/or depression. Under or untreated adjustment disorders may lead to chronic anxiety, major depressive disorder, and possible substance abuse.”
How To Help a Grieving Child?
The most effective way to assist a grieving child is through open communication. Children need help processing their emotions and require a safe space in which to express themselves. Supporting them as they adapt to life without their pet or loved one is crucial. While parents or caregivers need to be part of this, sometimes additional support from a qualified grief counselor can be beneficial.
How to Find Grief Counseling for Children
It may be best for your child to talk to a professional with experience in helping children deal with grief. If you decide to look for a grief counselor, here are some ideas where to start:
- Personal Referrals: Ask friends or family members for recommendations.
- Child’s Physician: You can also ask your child’s physician for trusted local resources specializing in grief in children.
- Online Resources: Online forums and therapy directories are good sources.
- School Guidance Counselor: If your child is school-age, ask their guidance counselor for recommendations.
Grief Activities for Children
Your child’s grief counselor may suggest individual therapy, family therapy, or group sessions with other bereaved children. Sessions with other children are often helpful so kids can see they aren’t alone. They may also give you tools and homework to do between sessions. Some grief activities for kids to do in therapy or at home include:
- Drawing pictures of the deceased
- Creating a book of drawings, photos, or other items that show happy memories
- Using play to talk about or express emotions
- Reading books about grief
- Coming up with positive ways to memorialize their loved one, such as making a favorite meal or doing something they often did together
Set a Good Example
Children often look to adults for cues on how to behave, especially in challenging times.
“As adults, it is fine to cry and show our sadness; however, we must remain calm when talking about death because many children will mirror the actions of the adults around them,” says Danielle.
By sharing your own feelings and creating a safe space for the child to share theirs, you’ll be modeling healthy behavior that will help them as they move through the grieving process.
Create a Lasting Legacy
Start with our end of life planning checklist.
See our Privacy Policy to learn how we use your information.
